[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Okay, Kelly, how much do you need?
Oh, I don't know.
How much does it take to start a new life?
More than your father has in his wallet.
Let's see. Here's $5.00.
Bud?
Well, going by the old "double for virgins" rule,
I get 10.
Mom,
if you let him get away with that,
when he's 65, he'll be expecting two gold watches.
Well, let's not bleed Daddy dry.
Here's $5.00 for you...
And 20 for me.
AL: Hey, Peg!
Have you seen my wallet?
Gee, uh, I don't know. What does it look like?
Old, wrinkled, and empty,
like my life.
Well, don't worry, honey.
I'm sure it's down here in your jacket pocket.
Bud, go put this in Daddy's jacket pocket, okay?
Hey, Peg.
Are you showing the kids what you do all day long?
Morning, Al. Morning, Daddy.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Ah! Here it is.
Jeez, where does it all go?
Gee, why are you asking me?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
You know, Al, you just don't know how to manage your money.
I wish you'd give me your paycheck.
and let me manage the money.
Yeah, right.
So you can rob me blind, huh, Peg?
Uh-uh.
At least this way I know exactly what I've got here.
I've got nothing here, Peg.
Well, don't worry, Al.
I didn't marry you for your money.
I'm not really sure why I did, but I know it wasn't money.
Well, it must have been that old family tradition:
find a man, kill his dreams, and move on.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Good morning, Al.
Ah, isn't it great to be alive?
Let me just stand aside
and give you a better view
of the little woman.
Hey, Peg, listen.
I know you were planning to fix me
some nice nothing for supper,
but you're better freeze it,
because Steve and I are going to the track tonight.
That really hurts, Al.
You know, I purposely didn't ask you
for any money today,
and now you're going to go blow it at the track.
That's where all your money goes, you know.
No, I don't think so, Peg.
See, I've never woken up in the middle of the night
to find a quarter horse going through my wallet.
Gee, Al, if you don't have enough money for the track--
Aw, heck, we're buddies.
I guess I can find someone else to go with me.
Ah, thanks, Steve,
but I've got enough for a couple of bets,
and hell, there's always that fountain at the mall
people throw pennies in.
I can go dredging on my lunch hour.
Great. Let's go.
I'll drive you to work and pick you up.
We'll leave from there.
Oh, Steve, uh, if you're going to the track,
be sure to bet whatever Al bets,
because as you can see,
he's a winner.
Take it easy, Al. It happens.
It doesn't happen to me.
It's never, never happened to me.
Wha-- What am I going to do?
How am I going to tell Peg?
Look, you just have to be brave.
Just come right out and tell her,
"Peg, I won $1250."
Steve...
It's the first time in my life
I've won a trifecta.
I've got $1,200 in my pocket.
Do you know what would happen if I told Peg?
Steve, meet Peg.
Peg, I've got money.
[TURNS VACUUM ON]
Well, I know what I'm going to do with the 50 bucks I won:
share it with Marcy.
Wow, Hondo. You are much man.
Hey, I'm not ashamed to say
that it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife.
What I am ashamed to say is that's a total lie.
But she scares me to death, Al.
Well, I want to enjoy my money, Steve,
so I'm going to hide my money
until I can decide what I'm going to do with it,
and you're going to do the same thing.
Oh, why would I do that? Because you have to.
If Marcy finds out that you won money,
she's going to know I won money, and then Peg here will know.
Al, what you're asking me to do
goes against everything I believe in.
You're asking me to lie to my wife,
to deceive her,
and I'm afraid I just can't do that...
For less than 50 bucks.
You're a real weenie, Steve.
Yes, but a weenie with $50.
Now, I've got to hide this somewhere Peg would never look.
Ah, there's enough down there already.
Dirty laundry.
She'll never look here.
$2.00 left?
What a loser.
What are you doing, Peg?
Uh, nothing.
I was just a little chilly.
Mind if I wear your shirt?
Yes!
But Al, I'm cold.
Well, then, put on your robe.
Well, I can't sleep in my robe,
and if I turn on the heat, then your feet start to fester,
and the dog starts barking,
the kids wake up.
It's just not worth it.
I'm going to wear your shirt.
But I don't like it when you wear my shirt.
Isn't there any other way you can keep warm?
Oh, no!
It's either you or the shirt.
Darling!
Oh, ho, ho!
Gee, three days in a row.
I must be looking pretty good lately.
Yeah, you're the best, baby.
Oh, Al. You know you love it.
Come on. Admit it.
You and your excuses...
Like that first night, I was cold,
and you wouldn't let me use your shirt.
The next night,
you wouldn't let me near the spare blanket,
and the third night,
I was halfway to the hot water bottle
when you tackled me and pinned me to the floor.
What do I have to go for tonight, tiger,
your hat?
Oh, by the way, Al,
this morning, I was going through your wallet
looking for--
By accident,
and I just happened to notice
that you haven't cashed your paycheck.
Why?
Why, I just haven't had time.
See you around.
Bye, sweetie.
Kids! Family meeting!
What's up, Mom?
Kids, I suspect your father has money.
And his paycheck was dated three days ago,
and he hasn't cashed it yet.
Mm. Mm.
So Daddy has money.
You know, it all makes sense now.
Did you notice that last night he wasn't studying road maps
and fondling his car keys like usual?
Yeah, and I watched him shave this morning.
You know, he didn't pause at all near the jugular.
No kidding?
Well, he's obviously got more than I thought.
Okay, kids, we are going to tear this place apart.
Kelly, you take upstairs.
Bud, you go down into the basement,
and I'll look around down here.
Aw, Mom, I got stuck with the basement
when his tax refund came in.
Now, don't whine.
There is a 10% finder's fee, and then we split.
20-20-60.
Now, let's go.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
What's wrong with Al?
I was out on the street picking up my newspaper
when he pulled out.
He didn't aim his car at me and gun it.
Oh, boy! He must have a fortune!
Come on. Help me search. Al's got money.
So what?
So it's mine, and he's not giving it to me.
Well, that's kind of cruel, not sharing with your wife.
Oh, who's talking about sharing?
I want it all.
Not because I'm greedy, you understand.
Whoo, two bits.
You see, it's good for our marriage.
If Al has money, then he doesn't come home.
Will he take a check?
Because I know the rest of the block
will kick in.
Yes, I know it sounds good on the surface,
but the problem is he doesn't just go away.
He goes away and has fun.
You see, Marcy, my mother taught me two things:
never feed a man
when you can feed yourself twice,
and if you're going to rot on a couch in hell,
the least your husband can do is to burn right beside you.
Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose.
But early on,
Steve and I decided to share everything
and keep no secrets from each other.
Huh. Well, I would keep a good eye on him, Marce,
because God only knows what ideas Al put in his head
when they went to the track.
Steve went to the track?
You know, I thought it was kind of odd
that Al went with him to the library.
Steve has money too.
No, I won't believe it.
He would never keep something like that from me.
And I'm so sure of it
that I'm going to tear my home apart piece by piece.
You'll see. I won't find so much as a dollar.
And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy
and superglue it to a ferris wheel.
So did you find anything?
Uh... Aw, I'm a little tired.
I'm going to go upstairs and study.
Hi there, shoe man.
I was in last week,
and I can't stop thinking about you.
Remember me?
Nightly.
I mean, vaguely.
Can I help you?
I don't know how else to say it.
I want you!
Oh, that's so nice.
But I'm married.
Perfect. That means you're already broken in.
Al.
Al?
What do you want?
Can't you see I'm busy?
Look, Al, I-- I have to talk to you.
I'm really feeling guilty
about hiding that money from Marcy,
so could you do me a favor and spend yours
so I can share mine?
I can't stand the way she looks at me, with such trust.
You sure?
A lot of guys mistake trust for that
just-keep-the-checks-coming-in- or-you're-out-of-here look.
They're very similar, you know.
Al, what's the big deal? Just buy something.
It's not as easy as that, Steve.
When you were a kid, didn't you ever find money
in the street, and you were so excited,
you couldn't figure out what to do with it?
No, Al.
I gave it to Bunny Zackmeyer so I could look up her dress.
I'm talking about when you were a kid, Steve.
Look, could you just give me a couple of more days?
In the name of friendship. Huh, buddy?
Okay, in the name of friendship,
which, at today's rates, is another 50 bucks.
You're a weenie, Steve.
Yes, but a weenie with a hundred bucks.
Oh, by the way, Al, you want a ride home?
No, I got my car.
Yeah, I saw it in the lot,
but it might be tough to drive
with all that broken glass on your seat.
Don't worry. It wasn't vandalism.
They stole your radio.
Great!
Well, that's actually what I was thinking,
but it's not something you say to a friend.
No, Steve.
Now I know what to buy, a new car stereo.
It's perfect.
See, now I can buy something
for one of my favorite places in the world,
my car.
Because when I'm in my car, I don't have any wife or kids.
I'm alone. I'm whole.
I'm with the one I love.
And Peggy never drives my car, so she'll never know.
Tee hee.
I get to spend all my money on me. Oh, man!
I'll have it installed tomorrow.
Come on, let's go buy it now.
But it's a half-hour till closing.
Ah, the place is a graveyard. No one comes in here.
Just give me a couple of minutes.
I'll turn off the lights in the storeroom.
Ew.
I'm sorry, miss, but the place is closed.
Gee, that's funny.
Most stores don't close until I'm in the dressing room.
Oh, well.
Mm-mm-mm.
Ready to go, buddy?
You bet.
I told you nobody comes in this late.
PEGGY: Al, what are you doing down there?
I'm watching Ted Koppel.
Go to sleep.
I'm cold.
Wear my shirt.
Go to sleep.
KELLY: Mom, Dad, will you two be quiet?
You woke me up!
* I heard it Through the grapevine *
* Not much longer Would you be mine *
Click.
* To all the girls I've loved-- *
Click.
* Big wheels Keep on turnin' *
* Proud Mary Keep on burnin' *
* Rollin', rollin' *
* Rollin' down the river *
[THUMP]
PEGGY: Al!
Al, did I just hear Ted Koppel singing "Proud Mary"?
Yeah. It's sweeps month.
So what do you want, Peg?
Oh, I thought I'd come down
so we could cuddle.
We haven't done that for a long time.
Oh, Peg, just once, couldn't we do something I like?
I don't want to dig in my ear
and grin like an idiot.
I want to cuddle.
No.
Well, fine.
But I'm staying down here anyway.
Where are you going?
To the closet. I'm cold.
I just wanted to throw something over me.
No, don't go in there!
Well, why?
You've got me.
Wait a minute.
Uh...
[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]
Ah, let's go upstairs and, uh...
Cuddle.
Aw. It's like before we were married.
Let's get it over with.
Just like before we were married.
Oh, by the way, Al,
I had to take my car in to the mechanic.
He's going to need it for a couple of weeks.
So I'll have to use your car.
So you want to sell your car stereo
after just one day.
I don't want to sell it. I have to.
Peg's going to be driving my car for two weeks.
That means two weeks of hiding my stereo.
Do you know what I have to do to hide my stereo, Steve?
Vile, unspeakable acts no man should have to do.
[PEGGY HUMS HAPPILY]
Yes, that.
Now, do you have the cash or don't you?
Here you go.
There's only $1000 here.
Well, I think that's generous.
After all, the equipment is used.
PEGGY: * La-da, ah ah ah ah *
And it seems to be a buyer's market.
You're a real weenie, Steve.
Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and $150 stashed away
that Marcy knows nothing about.
So what are you going to do with the money, Al?
What I always knew I would.
[MAKING FLAPPING SOUND]
Al, I heard a strange sound.
What was it?
Family, I have an announcement.
I have money.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
I'm getting a new skateboard
and a leather jacket.
Well, I'm going to get a CD player
and a suede skirt and some new boots.
Oh, and I'm going to spend till I drop!
Wait a second, wait a second.
Think we should get Dad something?
Well, gee, I'd love to,
but I don't think we have enough money.
Well, what can I say?
You, my friend, are a loser,
whereas I am your consummate winner.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
MARCY: Steve, get out here
and explain this $150 I found hidden!
Ah, let me handle this, buddy.
Marcy, now, let me explain.
Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you.
He was doing me a favor.
He was hiding my $150...
Because he would never hide anything from you.
Right, Steve?
Right.
[***]